• Incremental Change

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a significant one! Not signifncant in terms of events, but in terms of it's one of the numbers that everyone likes to celebrate. My adult life is now beginning, if you want to be poetic and ignore the last decade of progress I've made. But I am genuinely happy to have made it this far. From an abused child to a homeless teen to a happily married and figuring-its-shit-out adult! With a stable job and a home and three cats and even a car! Sure I can't drive it, but we own it!

I'm trying to be kinder and less strict with myself when it comes to getting things done. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now, but meeting myself where I am every day is a struggle, especially if yesterday was a "better" day than today. Summer isn't helping, because for a myriad of reasons, I don't sleep well during the summer and insomnia is pretty detrimental to getting shit done. But again, I'm making progress and that's what matters.

I'm getting rid of my birth control implant, and hopefully that means I will be able to stop taking another medication that has been pretty rough for me. Despite the fact that I told myself I'd never try an IUd again, I'm going to try the copper IUD. The doctor warned me that I might have cramps, and now that I think about it, I'm not sure why that ever deterred me. Prior to being on birth control, my periods were so debilitating I genuinely thought I'd need a hysterectomy by, like, 20. I am no stranger to pain, and I've developed a pretty high tolerance for it. But I also don't think that it'll be as bad as it was back then, since I'm on testosterone.

We went out to a local fetish event last weekend, my second one. I can now definitively say that I am not a voyeur, but I do still enjoy these events from an autistic nerding-out perspective. I do still hope to one day develop enough trust in myself to actually practice kink, but baby steps are still steps. I do learn by watching, after all. There was a touchy moment where someone brought out a wooden paddle and I had to get another drink to fight off a panic attack, so some trauma also needs to be addressed there. But I knew that already.

I'm working on my novel again, and it feels great to be doing so. It's funny how easy it is to forget how much you love doing things for yourself. Working on my Sleep Token shrine, writing, baking...when I'm not actively doing them, it's easy to convince myself it's not worth the effort. But it is. It almost always is.