• Tiny Dick Problems

Sex continues to be what the experts call "an issue." You'd think with the pelvic PT and being able to be penetrated without, like, actual agony would be good, but nope! I think it's more to do with my dysphoria and issues with sex that I really haven't done anything to deal with because it's fucking awkward and weird to do it. Like my husband and I aren't, like, talkative during sex, so it's not like I can ask for affirmation during the act, cause I feel that would be weird. But when I'm having sex, my inner monologue is very mean, and misgendering. Even if it feels good in the moment, I just have such an emotional crash afterwards because my head and my body won't sync up and just let me enjoy myself. That's not even getting into how difficult it is to quiet my OCD down during sex. It is very fucking difficult.

I've talked to my husband about sex feeling like a routine, and we talked about making an effort to do things differently, but every time I ask to have sex, he still just assumes that we're going to be doing the same thing we always do, and verbally says as much out loud. It doesn't come out as a question, but a statement. I don't feel super comfortable having to be like, "Actually, I want to do something different," when he's already, like, told me to do what we always do. I know I should talk about it, but to be honest this feels like another example of any change having to come from me.

It also doesn't help that my sex toys don't feel good, so even masturbation is an issue. The clitoris masturbator I've had for years is not comfortable at all with my dick now, and obviously I haven't been able to use internal toys for months now. Even when I did, I really struggled to make them feel good. And sex toys are expensive, so trying to find ones that work for me is a struggle. A stroker is like $50, insertable dildos and vibrators are like $70, and we go in the negative just paying bills so it feels stupid to want something that is technically frivolous.

I have written this exact monologue like four times in the past year and a half, and it would be funny if it wasn't, like, contributing to my plummetting self-esteem and overwhelming dysphoria.

A nap helped a little bit. I still feel like a failed human, but some forceful re-framing of thoughts and being unconscious for about an hour did lessen the feeling of needing to die about it.